Parenting In China

Drawing the battle lines of parenting

In an era when every child on a sports team can get a trophy just for participating, Amy Chua’s book, “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother,” has made waves.

Chua describes grueling hours of drilling her two daughters on the piano and violin. She didn’t let her girls have play dates, watch television, play video games -- or bring home any grade less than an A.

“As I often said to the girls, ‘My goal as a parent is to prepare you for the future -- not to make you like me,’” Chua wrote.

A Yale professor of Chinese descent, Chua has harsh criticism for the Western style of parenting. While American parents often reward children for “doing their best” and worry about hurting their self-esteem, Chua praises the Chinese approach of setting high standards and criticizing anything less than perfection.

“Chinese parents demand perfect grades because they believe their child can get them,” Chua wrote. “If their child doesn’t get them, the Chinese parent assumes it’s because the child didn’t work hard enough. That’s why the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame the child.”

Readers may shudder … but some also wonder if we’ve gone too far the other way.

“Here in America, it’s considered radical, yes,” said Michael Krause, who teaches business classes at Silverado High School in Victorville.

But he sees many foreign exchange students from China and other Asian countries.

“This is the norm for many of them and their families,” Krause said. “To get bad grades is a dishonor to the family. There’s a big pressure to do well.”

It doesn’t leave much room for a social life, Krause said. Asian parents tell children they can socialize when they grow up. For his foreign exchange students, coming to America is like a vacation -- a chance to relax, make friends, even visit Disneyland or Sea World.

In school, though, “They’re bored to tears,” Krause said. “They learned it in fourth grade.”

Krause tries to point out to his classes that we’re falling behind in the world, with American schools’ test scores far below those of other countries.

But when he tells students that doing well academically is the road to getting a good job and doing well in life, he often gets a blank stare.

Tiger Parents in China Say Piano Isn't Impressive Enough, Urge ...

According to the Associated Press, Amy Chua’s memoir Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother “has dominated school-gate conversation in Hong Kong, with parents soul-searching over how much they demand of their children.”  The rest of the article, however, doesn’t indicate that there’s much soul-searching going on.  Instead it showcases the insecurities of parents who are trying even harder than Amy Chua to be “Chinese parents,” probably because, you know, they actually live in China.

Take Jachinson Chan, for example, whose daughters, aged 11 and 13, “are ferried to an extracurricular activity every day of the week — from Spanish to guitar, tennis and extra mathematics.”  He says, “We’re a joke among our friends because we don’t have that many activities.”  In China, mastering the piano and violin – as Chua’s daughters have done – is no big deal.  Chan says, “If your kid is in primary school and he or she can play the piano really well, the schools will yawn.  You need trombone, for example — something that not many people want to play.  Parents are encouraging their kids to play the oboe.”

The oboe is pretty high up on the list of Instruments That Will Never Get You Into a Rock Band, but come on, Tiger Parents, you can do better than that!  What about the harp?  Hammered dulcimer?  Piccolo?  The best part of having your kid learn one of these instruments is that they can cheer themselves up when they become one of the 82% of Chinese students that isn’t accepted to college. .  I push the buttons, “1-2-9,” with agility.  I tune out the squeaky voices of the cartoon characters on the screen with great ease and I write about Chinese parents who are taking their kids to oboe lessons.  (My daughter is excelling at the egg shaker, thank you very much.)

Leung says Chinese parenting isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, even in China.  According to the AP, Leung “recalled that at the end of “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother”, Chua adapted and relaxed her approach to parenting.”  Leung told reporters, ”She learnt a lesson. I hope tiger mothers here can learn the same lesson as Amy.”

Photo: Wikipedia

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